


Suffering

by TableForThree_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, Harsh Language, Multi, Post-Half-Blood Prince
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-01
Updated: 2007-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 23:16:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4723919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TableForThree_Archivist/pseuds/TableForThree_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Voldemort is defeated Harry finally gets a chance at happiness with Ginny.  But even those feelings aren’t strong enough to get rid of a much deeper and forbidden desire that threatens to destroy his friendship with Ron and Hermione.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suffering

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Jonathan Andrew Sheen, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Table for Three](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Table_for_Three). When traffic and uploads slowed to a trickle, it became difficult to justify the hosting expenses. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in January 2015. I e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Table for Three collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/triofic/profile).

            Those summer months after the war had been complete bliss for Harry.  He and Ginny finally had a real chance at a normal relationship.  It was during that time he fell in love with her and wasn’t sure why it had taken so many years for him to really see Ginny Weasley.  She was amazing – beautiful and athletic coupled with a fieriness and stubbornness that only served to make him want her more.   
Mrs. Weasley’s policy of ‘open doors’ and never leaving them alone for too long led to many late night rendezvous’ when everyone else at The Burrow was seemingly asleep.  Having already missed out on a year together, there was a desperation and desire to make up for lost time.   
            Never before in his life, not even when he and Ginny had been together for that brief period during his sixth year, did he think he would have a chance at happiness.  Death constantly seemed to loom over him, but that was all behind him now.  Now, he had a future and could just be happy.  
            That state of bliss disappeared soon after Ginny left for Hogwarts in September.  At first, it wasn’t that bad.  They wrote to each other almost daily and he would go to meet her every time there was a Hogsmeade weekend.  But it was all those days and weeks of being away from her that allowed his mind to reflect on things and feelings he thought he had long-since buried – and had never really understood or come to terms with.  Ron and Hermione had been his best friends, the people who had willingly risked their lives over and over for him and yet asked for nothing in return.  _But that’s not enough for you, is it, Potter?_   _They’re in love and happy and you want to ruin all that_ , his conscience screamed at him.  
            Once Ginny left for school, he had moved out of The Burrow and into his own flat.  Sirius had left him Grimmauld Place and as far as The Order had been able to determine its security had not been breached.  However, living at the Black House would have been a never-ending reminder of his godfather’s death.  Though in a way he supposed he was deserving of that torment.  Here he was, knowing without a doubt that he loved Ginny, but often finding his thoughts drifting to Ron and Hermione and in ways that were anything but platonic.  He wondered if on some unconscious level these desires had always existed.  Though it wasn’t until last year when it had been just the three of them for months at a time, that he had begun to notice the changes.    
            If he had to pick one point when everything had shifted in his relationship with Ron and Hermione, it was when Ron had left them during their Horcrux search.  With Ron gone, Hermione had become his only companion.  Though he had tried to remain distant with her, it was difficult to keep that up day after day.  Then when Ron returned he’d felt something he’d never experienced before, but had refused to define it, preferring to chalk it up to how glad he was to have him back.  He had never before suspected Ron’s fears about Hermione and him together, so he did the only thing he could and told Ron he loved her like a sister, nothing more.  At the time, it wasn’t exactly a lie because he was still sorting out his feelings regarding Hermione.  It wasn’t as if he would ever act on them to begin with.  Ron and Hermione were finally together and he would never try to destroy that.  Besides, he had Ginny and if by some miracle he ended up surviving, they would pick things up again.  
            His state had gotten so bad after he moved out of The Burrow that he had contemplated leaving Britain altogether for awhile.  He would have, if not for Teddy.  Though Teddy had the Weasley’s and Tonks’s mother, he couldn’t bear to leave behind the baby he had so much in common with.  Both orphans, Harry felt an obligation as his godfather to stay and look after him.  It was not as if Teddy would remember him being around because he was just a baby, but Harry wanted to be there for him.  He wanted Teddy to have all the things he never had after his parents died.  
            So Harry became even more distant, almost cold toward Ron and Hermione.  He silently hoped that if they let him be he would get over _these_ feelings.  But that never happened.      

                                                                                 

*           *            *  
   
            When October came around, Ron and Hermione both showed up at his flat unannounced.  
            “Mrs. Weasley wanted you to come by The Burrow for dinner tomorrow.”  
            Harry glanced at each of his friends in turn.  “And it took both of you to come over here and tell me that?”  
            Ron gave a sort of shrug, taking a sudden interest in his trainers.  
            “Harry, this has gone on long enough,” Hermione started, taking matters into her own hands.  “You’ve been hiding here for weeks now.  Ron and I have done our best to give you space but all its done is given you more room to pull away from us.”  
            “I’m surprised you even noticed,” Harry said, his voice harsh.  
            Ron’s eyes narrowed.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”   
            “Forget it.  I didn’t mean anything by it.”  
            “Is that what this is about?”  Unlike Ron, Hermione’s voice was soft and calm.  “I know that things are very different now, and maybe Ron and I made a mistake by assuming you were fine with our relationship, but it changes nothing between the three of us.”  
            “I know that,” Harry snapped, wishing they would just leave already because if he let his emotions get the better of them he was afraid he’d tell them too much.  Then again, that would get them out of his life for sure.  They would be disgusted by his admission – that he was sure of.  
            “You must miss Ginny terribly,” Hermione blurted out.  
            “This isn’t about her.”   
            “Really?  Because you didn’t start acting like a complete arse until she went back to school,” noted Ron.  
            Harry watched as Hermione laid a hand on Ron’s arm, as if silently telling him they had not come here to row with him.  
            “Harry, we just want to help,” Hermione said to him.  
            He knew if he denied there was anything wrong, they wouldn’t believe him.  But if he gave them something maybe they would back off a bit.  “I just need to work through some things, all right?”  
            That answer did little to satisfy Hermione, but Ron spoke before she had the chance to.  “Fair enough, mate.  We’re here if you need us.”  
            Ron’s words were enough to start him down another path of spiraling guilt.  Here they were just trying to help him with whatever they thought he was going through, but Harry knew the best thing they could do for him was just stay away.  Stay away until he convinced himself how wrong these feelings were and that Ginny was the only one for him.  
 

 

*           *            *  
   
            Harry still had nightmares.  They were not nearly as frequent as when he had been in school, but they were still every bit as vivid.   
            He had never been one to sleep in very late but after a string of nightmares followed by many hours of tossing and turning, he stayed in bed until almost ten o’clock.  
            He was at the bottom of the stairs when he heard movement coming from the kitchen.  Out of habit, he reached to his side for his wand but it wasn’t there.  If Moody were alive he would surely have lectured him about the need to maintain constant vigilance.  
            The chances of it being an intruder, however, were unlikely.  Extra care had been taken by the Order to ensure the safety of his flat, including making it Unplottable.  There were only a handful of people who knew exactly where he lived, and even fewer who could get inside without his knowing.  
            Hermione, who was pacing in his kitchen, was one of those people.  Despite his resolve to put some distance between himself and his friends, they knew how to take down the charms surrounding his house so they could Apparate inside.  He wanted to make sure they would have a safe place to go to if they were ever in danger.  That was how he knew he would never be able to cut them out of his life completely.  He cared about them too much.  
            Hermione jumped a mile in the air when he entered the kitchen.  “Oh, Harry, you startled me.”  
            He took one look at her and just knew something was wrong.  She hadn’t been this jumpy since their mission to find the Horcruxes.  
            “I wasn’t sure if you were home.”  
            “I was sleeping.”  She could probably tell from his appearance that he’d had a rough night.  
            Only then did he notice that Hermione was standing in front of the table, attempting to block something from view.  Almost immediately, he remembered he’d left his Pensieve out on the kitchen table after using it last night.  Hermione had been the one to give it to him for his eighteenth birthday, pointing out that in addition to memories, he could use it to help purge his nightmares.  He had started off using it for that purpose, but began using it for his dreams as well.  He wanted to rid himself of those dreams that left him waking not to a cold sweat, but to a throbbing erection caused by the Ron and Hermione in his dreams.  
            His eyes snapped to Hermione’s and he saw the guilt and shame and confusion that shone in her own eyes.  She had immersed herself in his most carefully guarded secret.  She had violated his privacy in the worst possible way.  
            “Harry, I didn’t – “  
            “YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO LOOK IN THERE!”  He bellowed.  He was too consumed by his rage to notice how Hermione shrank away from him, as if afraid.  
            “You’ve been so distant and its just been getting worse – “  
            “And that gave you the right to violate my privacy?”  Harry was bordering on losing control complete.  She was supposed to be his best friend – his conscience and the best part of him.  But this person standing in front of him he didn’t recognize at all.  The Hermione he knew and trusted would never do such a thing to him.  
            “You have every right to be angry with me – ”   
            “Get out,” he told her, his voice shaking with anger and betrayal.  “Get the fuck out of here, _now_!”  
            He refused to look at her as she walked passed him.  Once he heard the front door close, he let the shame and rage consume him completely, using his bare hands to break everything in sight.  
 

 

*           *            *  
   
            Early in January, Mrs. Weasley had everyone over to The Burrow for dinner, including Fleur and Hermione.  All the Weasley’s were present except for Charlie who was still in Romania, and Ginny, who had gone back to Hogwarts the previous week.  
            While Ginny was home for Christmas, Harry could no longer avoid going to The Burrow.  He spent most of his time with Ginny and very little with Ron.  But there was this air of awkwardness between them when they did speak, telling Harry that he knew what Hermione had seen in his Pensieve.  
            It became all the more apparent that things were more than a little off when Hermione showed up for Christmas and Harry spoke even less to her than he did to Ron.  This all led to a strain on his relationship with Ginny because they would row every time she asked what was wrong and he would lie and say nothing.   
            The holidays was the first time they got to spend consecutive days together since before she’d left for school, and Harry did not want to spend that time rowing with her.  So like he had done so many times in the past, he buried his feelings and focused on his girlfriend.  
            Harry would have had an easier time battling a dragon than refusing Mrs. Weasley’s invitation to come for dinner.  But it was only dinner and now that it was over he was free of Ron and Hermione again.  
            As a precaution, there were still protective wards around The Burrow, so he stepped outside to Apparate only to be stopped by Hermione’s voice.  
            “Harry, wait, please.  We can’t go on like this.”  
            “We wouldn’t be like this at all if you had just minded your own goddamn business,” Harry snapped.  
            “Harry, she messed up but – “  
            “Don’t you defend what she did!”  Harry couldn’t believe Ron was taking her side on this, especially when he knew the images in his Pensieve contained not only his girlfriend but him as well.  
            “Harry, this concerns all three us of us.”  
            “I’m leaving.”  He began concentrating on an image of his flat – but lost his concentration when he was pushed back against the shed that was behind The Burrow.  Hermione’s grabbed his hand and pushed him inside.  Before he could do anything, her lips landed on his.   He should have pushed her away.  Ron was standing right there and Harry knew he was a dead man, but he was weak and Hermione ended up being the one to break the kiss first.  
            Hermione’s features were flushed as she put some distance between them.  She cast a silencing charm around the shed so no one would hear them.  “Sorry, but I didn’t know what else to do to get you to stay.”  
            Harry’s mind was still reeling from the kiss.  He braced himself when he looked over at Ron but was not greeted with the expression he had been expecting.  Ron looked jealous all right, but there was no rage behind his ice blue eyes.  
            “I told Ron what was in the Pensieve,” Hermione confessed.  “I know what I did was unforgivable but it really does concern all three of us.  You’ve been pulling away from us for months and we had no idea why.  At first, I thought you were just depressed but then it just kept getting worse.  I never would have gone looking through your flat for the Pensieive but it was sitting right there out in the open and I couldn’t help myself.  I wish you’d confided in us.”  
            “Why?  So you could stand there and look as disgusted as Ron is right now?”  
            “He’s not disgusted.  When I told him – “  
            “I can speak for myself,” Ron cut her off.  “I think what we need to talk about is the way you’ve been using my sister.”  
            “I love Ginny,” Harry spoke without hesitation.  “If Hermione told you everything she saw in the Pensieve then you should know that.”  
            “What did you plan to do about these feelings?”  Hermione asked, taking the conversation in a new direction.  
            “Nothing!  They’ll go away eventually.”  
            “You don’t know that.”  
            “Hermione, just stop.  We’re not discussing this anymore.  It’s wrong and it’s disgusting and the two of you should hate me.  I’m not daft, I can tell you’re uncomfortable around me.”  
            “How did you think we’d react?”  Ron said.  “This isn’t easy for us, Harry.  Hermione and me are finally together and we’re happy, and we thought you were happy with Ginny.”  
            “I am.”  
            “But it’s not enough,” Hermione said in a low voice.  
            Harry squeezed his eyes shut.  “Please just let this go.”  
            “We can’t.  Maybe it’s just a side effect of how close the three of us have become over the years, I don’t know.”  
            Harry’s eyes snapped open.  Surely he had heard her wrong.  There was no way she could mean _that_.  Or was she really implying that it wasn’t just him who had been struggling with desires and feelings that always stayed close to the surface no matter how hard he tried to pretend they didn’t exist?  
            He watched as Hermione, with trembling hands, reached for his belt and started undoing it.  He grabbed her wrists, stopping her from going any further.  That should have ended it but Ron came out of nowhere and flattened his mouth against Harry’s.  He had been shocked when Hermione had kissed him, but he had never expected this kind of reaction from Ron.  
            It distracted him enough that he released his hold on Hermione and she was able to undo his belt completely.  He should have been freezing.  They hadn’t cast any warming charms and there was snow on the ground outside.  But once Hermione’s hand disappeared beneath his boxers and wrapped around his cock, he could no longer feel the cold or anything but the hand that was pleasuring him and the way Ron’s mouth felt as it moved over his.  
            When Ron’s lips left his, Harry felt the loss immediately.  He watched as Ron started to work on opening the bottom buttons on Hermione’s cloak until he had access to her jeans.  Once Ron had her jeans undone, he slipped his hand inside her knickers and began working his fingers through her soft curls.  
            “God, Ron,” she groaned, her fingers momentarily slipping from Harry’s cock.  
            After some deliberation, Harry placed one of his hands where Ron’s was and together they stroked and teased her pussy, causing Hermione to buck and moan between them.  Their combined efforts caused her quicken the pace at which she was moving her fingers over his shaft.  
            Harry moaned her name, willing himself not to compare her technique to Ginny.  Instead he split his attention between pleasuring Hermione and feeling the pleasure she was giving him in return.  
            Feeling bold enough because of Ron’s actions earlier, Harry grabbed a fistful of his hair and brought Ron’s mouth crashing against his.  It was as far from gentle as possible as Ron thrust his tongue into Harry’s waiting mouth.  
            Ron rubbed his thumb over Hermione’s clit with one hard stroke and she came, throwing her head back and crying out loudly.  She grasped his cock a little harder when she came, and Harry was already close that he came with a grunt, his cock exploding in her hand.  If he hadn’t been with Ginny over the holidays, he doubted he would have even lasted that long.  For the second time he quickly banished thoughts of Ginny from his mind.  He would have plenty of time to deal with that guilt later.  
            After Hermione came down from her orgasm, she stayed nestled between Harry and Ron, until she felt something large and hard poking against her from behind.  
            “I’m sorry, Ron,” she said, spinning around and giving him quick kiss.  
            “Well, you should be,” Ron grumbled.  “I thought I was going to have to take care of it my bloody self.”  
            Harry watched with rapt attention as Hermione lowered Ron’s trousers and boxers before sinking to her knees in front of him.  Harry bit back a groan of desire at seeing Ron’s freed erection hovering in front of her face.  She ran her tongue up and down his length before taking it into her mouth.  
            Harry’s groans mirrored Ron’s.  Despite having just orgasmed, the erotic sight of Hermione sucking Ron’s cock while Ron’s hands got lost in her hair was enough to bring him to full hardness again within seconds.  Incredibly aroused, Harry fumbled to get his own trousers undone and began stroking himself in rhythm with Hermione’s movements.  His gaze altered back and forth between watching Ron’s euphoric expression and the way Hermione’s lips slid over his cock.  
            Harry came seconds after Ron did, and trying to retain whatever fragments of dignity he had left, performed a quick cleaning charm before tucking himself back into his trousers.  It was pointless, really, since they had seen him with his hand fisted around his cock as he watched them.  
            Harry wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do, let alone say after what they had just experienced.  All this time he had thought there was something wrong with _him_.  But it could not have been just him – the last twenty minutes were evidence enough of that.  
            “Are we going to talk about this?”  Harry was not surprised his voice was anything but steady.  
            “I don’t think right now is the best time.”  
            That was not the response he had been expecting from her.  After all, she was the one who had insisted the three of them deal with _this_ , and had pursued it relentlessly to the point where they had ended up in extremely intimate positions, moaning each other’s names.  
            Ron shook his head.  “You can’t be serious.  You’re the one who always over-analyzes everything, yet you don’t want to talk about what just happened here.”  
            Hermione got to her feet, brushing off her knees as she did so.  
            It didn’t escape the boys that she refused to make eye contact with either one of them.  
            Then, without warning, she Disapparated from the shed.  
 

 

*           *            *

            “Trust me, she’s here,” Ron said to Harry as they marched down the hallway of Hermione’s flat.  
            Sure enough, her bedroom door was shut.  Ron knocked on it, receiving a response of _go away_ in return.  The door was locked, so Ron took out his wand and pointed it at the handle, saying, “ _Alohomora_.”  When he tried the handle again it was still locked.  “For bloody hell’s sake,” he muttered.  “Hermione, open the door!”  
            “I don’t want to see either one of you right now,” came Hermione’s muffled response through the door.  
            “You’re barking mad if you think we’re just going to leave.  So either you open this door right now, or me and Harry are just going to start talking.  I don’t really think this is the kind of conversation you want to have through a closed door.”  
            Harry wasn’t convinced Ron’s approach would work until the door actually opened with Hermione standing on the other side of it.  She looked like she had been crying.  
            Ron took in her appearance, saying, “I don’t understand why you’re acting like this.  This was _your_ idea after all.”  
            With those words, Hermione seemed to be done with crying.  “Well, I made a mistake.  Yes, Ron, I was wrong.  Are you happy now?”  
            “No, I’m not.  You put our whole relationship on the line – “  
            “Don’t blame this all on me.  After all, you went along with it, didn’t you?”  
            “You didn’t leave me much choice.”  
            “Shut up, both of you!”  Harry shouted.  He knew this mess was his fault, but hearing them bicker about it was not making the situation any better.  “I’m confused.  Why did you do any of it if you knew it wasn’t what you wanted?”  
            “It’s not that I didn’t want to.  If the three of us are really honest with each other, those feelings – those desires – have always been there.  But they were never supposed to be acted on.  I love Ron but I’ve always felt an attraction to you, and maybe that’s because of how close we are.  But it was something I would never act on.”  Hermione seemed to have calmed down considerably by this point.  
            “So then what the fuck was that back at The Burrow?  An experiment?”  Harry snapped.  
            “I admit, I didn’t think all the consequences through, but the three of us couldn’t continue with things the way they were.”  
            “I’m not sure things are much better the way they are now,” spoke Ron, “considering I just messed around with my sister’s boyfriend.  For fuck’s sake, Ginny is my sister!  I won’t do this to her.”  
            “You think this is easy for me?  You think I don’t feel like shit for what I let happen?  I wish that I could just love Ginny and that would be it.”  Harry raked his fingers through his hair, feeling disgusted with himself.  
            “Harry, we can fix this,” Hermione insisted.  “It doesn’t have to happen again and Ginny never needs to know it happened at all.”  
            “So you want me to lie to her?”  
            “What’s the alternative?  Do you really think she’s going to understand if you told her?”  
            Harry looked away from her.  Of course Ginny wouldn’t understand and Hermione knew that.  
            “The reason we were never supposed to act on these feelings is because it would never work between the three of us.  We can’t have a relationship that would be based on lies and that’s exactly what would happen because we would have to hide this from everyone.  I don’t want that.”  
            “So we pretend like nothing happened – like everything’s normal?”  Ron said incredulously.   
            “It’s either that or…”  
            Hermione didn’t finish her sentence, not that there was any need for her to.  Their near decade of friendship was on the line, and if they couldn’t find a way to get passed tonight’s events, there might not be anything left of it.  
             So they made a pact never to let anything like that happen again.  Though the three of them acknowledged certain feelings existed, they knew they were better off leaving them alone.  You weren’t supposed to love more than one person anyway.  
 

Fin.


End file.
